Trailer of Life Review the VMAs over 3 Aim Conversations. Enjoy.

On Kanye West’s Outburst

Whit: So, Kanye West grabbed a mic away from taylor swift at the vmas

Brit: don’t need candles and cake (singing Birthday Sex to me over aim)

Brit: i heard

Brit: thru EVERYONE's FBook status

Brit: such a fucking martyr

Whit: that's some niggerish shit

Brit: he is OBVS not dating the right woman

Brit: really

Brit: just rude

Brit: and TAYLOR SWIFT?!

Whit: i mean, yes Beyonce is better, do you need to announce that? no you don't

Brit: that's like kicking a kitten

Whit: over a fucking vma

Brit: OK

Whit: lmao

Brit: mtv is hanging on to it's relevancy by a thread

Whit: really, right around jackass/punked

Whit: i was like, ok, done

Whit: and all those real word kids can die

Brit: yes

Brit: kanye's an idiot

Brit: it's fuckign taylor swift, KANYE

Brit: way to ease race relations

On Tracy Morgan, Lady Gaga, and Twilight kids

Whit: Tracy Morgan sang time after time

Whit: please tell me you have seen this

Brit: no

Whit: http://www.tvrotsyourmindgrapes.com/1754/tracy-morgan-on-the-video-music-awards

Brit: “i can be tracy gaga”

Brit: “who can train a prodigy?!”

Brit: Tracy.

Brit: “4hours & 26 mins”

Brit: “you already cried 4 times”

Brit: time after time

Brit: AND STILL HE SOUNDS BETTER THAN KIM FROM REAOLHOUSEWIVESOFATL

Brit: why is eminem's voice all hella low?!

Brit: em?!

Brit: can we discss what the FUCK lady gaga was wearing?!?!

Brit: TRACY?!! STOP SINGING

Brit: she changed costumes too many times for someone who was ONLY a nominee and not a presenter or an important person

Whit: she's ridiculous

Whit: and obscene

Brit: all those damn face masks

Brit: we get it lady gaga, you dont have the prettiest face on the block

Brit: you know what won't help hide that?

Brit: you wearing fuglier-than life hear gear

Whit: i'm glad someone fixed k.stew's (Kristen Stewart) hair

Whit: it was lookin pretty trashy

Whit: and omg, taylor lautner

Whit: so rapeable

Whit: i mean, you stand him next to robert and it's not even fair

Brit: lmao

Brit: he wanted that job

Brit: went to the gym

Brit: prolly slept there

Whit: he gained 30 lbs of muscle

Whit: THIRTY POUNDS OF MUSCLE

Brit: i dont know what that means

Brit: why are you yelling at me?

Whit: exactly

Brit: rotflmao

Brit: he recognized game

Whit: the statement demands to be shouted

Whit: he is 17

Whit: dealing with a player true

Brit: lmao

On Jay-Z and Beyonce’s Performances

Brit: i havent seen this jay-z performance but i LOVE that alicia is on this

me: they were both good

Whit: jay z makes me kinda bored tho

Brit: akeys skin was all ethereal and shit

Brit: i think the vmas is the only acceptable place i'd want to see jay-z

Whit: i hated her hair tho

Brit: maybe the garden

Whit: she looked like a horse

Brit: b/c people be acting hella niggerish at rap concerts

Brit: yeah, not wild about it, she has this weird "i'm in heels" walk that i just want to slap out of her

Brit: beyonce was r.oc.k.i.n.g. out

Brit: god bless her tho

Brit: i'd be doing the same

Brit: who is the random girl on stage?

Brit: i hope that's his kid or something

Whit: lil mama

Whit: no one has any idea why she was there

Brit: UGH

Whit: i know

Brit: fucking party crasher

Brit: vomit all over that

Brit: now onto the beyonce mess i KNOW she called a performance

Whit: have you seen madonna's speech?

Brit: caught a piece of it

Whit: beyonce’s performance was single ladiesx1000

Brit: i cant wait for this leotard/no-pants fashion bullshit to die a fiery death

Brit: i want a refund on that opening, beyonce

Brit: ever wonder if tina turner is sitting at home thinking of ways to check miss b?

Brit: there is WAY too much crotch in this performance, beyonce knowles

Brit: why did she pick the most tone death person in america to play "sing-a-long" with?

Brit: "ladies put your hand in his face?"

Brit: that is HORRIBLE ADVICE

Brit: that's what got rihanna beat down

Brit: I DO LOVE THIS ABSURD HAIR FLIP/DANCE MOVE

Brit: SO RIDIC

Brit: this whole dance is the sum total of every little black girl in america

Whit: LMAO

Whit: yup

Whit: Pretty much

Brit: just all attitude, in-you-face dance moves, bling, and hair flipping

Brit: and neck snapping

Whit: black girl attitude is 45% neck

Brit: OK

Brit:15% hand moves

Brit:120% sass. i will say this- watching beyonce performances always leave the audience as tired as she is at the end

Brit: fucking soul-train dance-a-thon for the cure

Brit: “WHERE MY RING AT?!”

Brit: ROTFLMAO

Whit: i feel sorry for her dancers

Brit: ok? souls just worn down

Brit: probably couldn't walk for days after that

Brit: at least 5 are still unable to leave their homes and you know one of the girls in the back snapped her neck too hard that's just a given

On Pink’s Performance

Brit: do you know the name of pink's song at the awards

Whit: sober

Whit: she fucking sang while trapeezing!

Whit: do you know how hard that is?

Brit: LMAO

Whit: it's hard to sing on the ground

Brit: now that you ask, yes i do

Whit: let alone swinging through the air in some glitter

Whit: http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/435685/sober-live.jhtml#id=1518072

Brit: THIS SHIT IS BANANAS!!!

Brit: i like when she backrolls off the guy like she's chilling on a grassy knoll

Whit: my mouth was open the entire song

Whit: i thought she was going to do something more with the blindfold tho

Whit: i would like to be Pink's life friend

Brit: pink!!

Brit: she basically gave the artistic version of the middle finger to britney spears

Brit: like "oh, so you came back from rehab and didn't fall off stage while lipsynching?! I DON'T EVEN NEED A STAGE, BITCH!! I CAN PAINT MY TOES TOO!!!

Brit: but having the mic taped to her mouth must have sucked

Whit: lol

Brit: i want to kidnap her trapeze partner tho

Brit: I WANT HIM NEAR ME if i have to evacuate from atop a tall building

Brit: just not even sweating

Brit: throwing pink around in the air all easily

Brit: probably running through next week's grocery list in his mind

Whit: ha ha

Whit: he was hot

Whit: you know she had sex with him

Whit: i would have demanded it

Whit: i can't have you pulling me through the air unless i know you can fuck properly

Brit: really, and she landed as light as a fairy

Brit: done

Cookies vs. Chicken: The Showdown

Whit and I do not just pride ourselves on our comedic talents, we pride ourselves on our intellectual abilities. Which is why we bring you today's epic intellectual battle to determine which "c" digestive reigns supreme. Please be warned that the following argument does get ugly. Brace yourselves...

Me: i love cookies, they are the perfect food

Whitney: bleh

me: they come in a pleasing and geometrically equal shape

they allow for a variety of flavors

and they pack such a tasty punch

Whitney: chicken is the perfect food

me: ugh... battle of the "c" digestives

Whitney: i don't like sweet! i like savory

me: well you're a punk! eat an apple cookie!

Whitney: and you have bad tastebuds

me: YOU HAVE BAD TASTEBUDS!

Whitney: eat an apple! freak

me: why? when i can have an apple cookie?!

Whitney: there is no substantial nourishment in a cookie

me: lies... all lies

Whitney: at least chicken can keep you alive... esp not the cookies you eat

me: yes, because there is nothing healthier than dead poultry deep-friend in cow lard and served 12 to a pack for $3.99

Whitney: which are probably just flour and sugar with some sort of garbage spinkled in... it's all in the preparation... i said chicken, not kfc

me: and i said COOKIES

Whitney: get your facts straight prosecutor! cookies ARE flour and sugar and sprinkled in crap! like chocolate and raisins...and m&ms

me: i'm unamused with your name calling

Whitney: and nuts and bullshit and it's hard

me: no

Whitney: and crumbly

me: they are soft... do you even bleed red blood?

Whitney: bananas... get out of my face angelica

me: ?

you will eat cookies the next time i see you and you will LIKE IT!!!!

*Both sides remain alive and unhurt. The same cannot be said for cookies and chicken worldwide.*

Espanol Con Rihanna: Donde Esta Mis Pantalones?

You had my heart,

But pants won't keep us apart

Not in magazines, films,

Or on tv screens

Baby, 'cause in the dark

Is where i dress for the park

And that's when I need you there,

To tell me my pants aren't anywhere, because 

When I'm outside, I don't wear pants:

I told you no, not now, not ever

Said you'd always be my friend-

I like big bloomers, so deal with it

Now that it's colder than ever,

I refuse to acknowledge winter

And prance around in my chonies, 

Donde esta mis pantalones?

Lones, lones, eh, eh, eh

Donde esta mis pantalones?

Lones, lones, eh, eh, eh

Donde esta mis pantalones?

Lones, lones, eh, eh, eh

Donde esta mis pantalones?

Lones, lones, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...

Put on some pants, missy, it is too damn cold for all that. I understand that you may have been on a video shoot, and that if I were around JT, I'd also be wearing no pants, but that was not your first offense and you know it (also see: HERE, and HERE) Yes, money is tight everywhere, but it is NOT that tight and you know your mother raised you better than that. Also: lest you think that booty-shorts/granny panties/plaid leotards will become the new midriff t-shirt a la Britney Spears, circa 1999, just remember that what comes up must come down... Find your pants before you really have to check into rehab, cause shorts are your diseeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaasssse. 

Thanks, glad we had this chat. El fin.

Images courtesy of disgust, google images, and riri's stylist. 

Does the salad come with a side of baby panda?

I believe that every living organism on this planet deserves respect. I don’t feel that animals should be tortured or made to live in unsanitary environments for humans to be able to consume them. However, I don’t see anything wrong with an animal being bred, raised in a healthy, open environment where they are well taken care of and then die for a purpose. And quite honestly, that’s a better deal than most of us get.

For example, take me- I bust my ass in high school taking advanced college prep courses to get into a decent state school (because I’m not rich enough, smart enough, or white enough to make it into an ivy league school) only to bust my ass for another four years to get a worthless degree (thank you University of Phoenix online for putting the bachelor’s degree on clearance) and gain twenty plus years of debt/weight. Enter into a lifeless economy and job market more pitiful than a wingless penguin. Sacrifice my dreams, health, and personal relationships for a job I can’t stand just to pay off my debt and feel some mediocre sense of accomplishment. Never be able to save enough to travel or further my education or buy the latest ipod. So I'll probably end up bullshitting around California for thirty or forty years while my ovaries shrivel up and turn to dust. Then I'll finally save enough to retire only to discover a lump in my breast and die before I can use my precious 401K or social security benefits that I will probably never see anyway.

So, would I rather be a fucking cow raised in the middle of the French countryside where I’m well fed and happy and maybe one day will become a nice fillet mignon or a Coach purse or some fucking awesome boots? YES! YES I WOULD!

So please, vegans/vegetarians/PETA people, if you don’t want to eat meat, be my guest. I'm sure there's a field of corn somewhere just waiting for you to dive right in! But don’t think that you get to act all smug and superior for being a veggie snorter or guilt me into not eating an animal that probably had a better life than I will. And don’t think that you not eating meat will really make a difference in the long run. For every animal you don’t eat, I will eat three. I have enough people just itching to make me feel inferior because I’m Black, or a woman, or overweight, or poor, or car less, or a virgin, or a nonsmoker, or because I don’t know how to swim or ride a bike, or whatever other bullshit reason people seem to find to one-up me. Take your damn tofu and shove it up your ass. There is so little pleasure in this world. If I happen to find some in a chicken nugget, then fuck you; I’m eating my nugget.

The Kanye Rejuvenation Plan

Oh Kanye... Kanyeezee... The Louis Vuitton Don...

There used to be a time when I could flip through tv channels knowing that entertainment could be secured if I only avoided the CW network and Tyra's crazy ass. For the past two weeks, however, Mr. West has seen to it that every channel was filled with up-to-the-minute information on his thoughts, whereabouts, fixation on CAPS LOCK, white blood cell count, and so on. First Kanye had too many fans, then he wanted to be the next Dirk Diggler, then he wanted us to ogle his shiny new LV shoes, and now the Ye wants us to just LET HIM BE GREAT. 

At first, I was shocked at myself (and at you, too!) for preventing Kanye from being the "GREAT" that he so desperately needs to be. Then I was confused. Was I one of the fans Kanye wanted to drop like a Rock of Love slut? Was it because I bought his albums, danced religiously to "Golddigger" in the club, or forgave him for an awkward week at work when he told America Bush didn't care about black people? Then confusion turned into sanger (sass and anger, kids) as I realized that what Mr. West really wanted was for someone to put him in his place. Well: Mission Accepted.

Kanye, you're in pain. You've had a rough year between breaking off an engagement and unexpectedly losing your mother. That's enough to drive anyone insane, but you? You're KANYE "Jesus-Walks-was-the-best-song-in-the-history-of-audio-recording" WEST. Black people look up to you for great music and clothing. White people look to you for insight into what black people look up to you for. Also: for your preppy clothing. After all the haters who dogged on your every move (Fiddy, the Grammys orchestra pit, novelty eyewear designers, etc.), you deserved a break. And what did you do instead? You slapped around some paparazzi, showed a flagrant disregard for the limits of Autotune (what studio engineers use to make Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, etc., sound in tune), and had the nerve to bring back the Jerry-curl on the day the first black president took office. NO MORE KANYE!! Enough is enough! You don't get to whore yourself around in the media like Dina Lohan one day, and then complain about all the attention the next! But it's going to be ok, Kanyizzle, because I've come up with a 15-step plan to help you have your cake and eat it too.  I call it the "Kanye Rejuvenation Plan," and I really think you'll like it. And if you don't: I'll slap your hand with a ruler like a Catholic School nun until you sit up straight and LIKE IT.

KANYE REJUVENATION PLAN:

Step 1: Take a Kanye Timeout. 

You need to take a year off and regroup because your acting up is annoyingly reminiscent of Tyra Banks when she thought the world cared about:  1) her views on Hillary Clinton 2) her breasts being real 3) how many famous people she knew 4) how much she weighed 5) her existence.

Step 2: Stop Reading All Those Gossip Stories About Yourself.

YAY!! Another black man that can read! We have a black president now, Kanye. You think YOU have critics?! Cry me a river. And sing along to Justin's song while you're at it since we all know how much you love it.

Step 3: Don't Use Your Blog to Defend Everything That You've Read (this can be particularly easy to accomplish by doing Step 2).

Learn a lesson that Beyonce has yet to grasp: media over-saturation does not make anyone care about you more. Sometimes less said is more meaningful, and sometimes no one cares about what is said to begin with so your rants fall on deaf ears and eyes.

Step 4: No more singing on your albums without proper vocal training. 

Period. You have too much money for that crap.

Step 5: Indulge in Some Constructive AND Productive Hobbies.

See: cooking, knitting, jogging, ice-skating, recycling, etc.

Step 6: Resist the Urge to Come Out With Your Own Fashion Line- But Do Continue to Court Apprenticeships with Established Design Houses. Also: Restaurants are a no-no.

You're on the right track with your LV work, keep it up. Do NOT fall into the trap of JLo/Sweetface, Heidiwood, FUBU (do they still exist?), Vokal (Nelly, rapper), Madre's restaurant (JLo, again), Planet Hollywood (everyone), Fuman Skeeto (Chris Kirkpatrick, N*sync), and NYLA (Britney Spears). Do not try to convince us that because you like to wear clothes/like to eat, that you are qualified to design/cook. We know about that Pastelle line you've been threatening to release. Please refrain. Thanks.

Step 7: Please. Do. Not. Hang. Out. With. Model. Hoodrats.

Five reasons: Herpes, Chlamydia, Hepatitis, Syphilis, and HIV. No wifey you seek should have any experience with any one of those (*ahem**video**Pamela Anderson* ) 

Step 8: Do Maintain a Positive Place in the Spotlight by Returning Back to Basics.

Guest spots on some hot tracks for other people. It's what got you in the game, don't forget your roots.

Step 9: Become Affiliated with a Charity (if you have not already done so). 

Giving back is the new black. Also, Mr. "less money means less responsibility": dealing with people less fortunate than you will reign in all that wild-n-out nonsense and result in a newer, more introspective you.

Step 10: Drop a New Album.

With your hobbies having been indulged in, charity work done, singing urges suppressed, and shenanigans curtailed: people will finally want to hear from Kanye 2.0. And you will deliver to great the fanfare and recognition you seek.

Step 11: Meet a Nice Young Lady. 

Preferably you've done this before Step 10 so you can break her into your life and vice versa, but if not, all hope is not lost. Meet a nice young lady, and court her. This young lady should not be a model- she should be someone with one of them degrees you taunt so mercilessly, and a career independent of yours. Or at least equivalent experience. She must be no one that would ever be featured on your blogs/in your videos, and be a person of substance who will challenge you and put you in your place. 

Step 12: Enter Into a Long-Term Relationship or Non-marriage Marriage with Said Lady.

"This is a man's world, but it wouldn't be nothin' without a woman or a girl..." 

James Brown knew what you would be missing: the steadying, calming force of a good woman in your life. Brad has Angie. Will has Jada. David Bowie has Iman. Stedman has Oprah. Barack has Michelle. You are looking for your own Michelle Obama. Do not settle for cheap, tawdry, and empty-headed. You may thank me later.

Step 13: Indulge in Your Own "Family Business."

Namely reproduction. See Gwen Stefani, Victoria Beckham, Brad & Angie, the Obamas, and the Pinkett-Smiths.

Step 14: Rinse and Repeat Steps 1-10... for 10-30 years. 

Consistency is the name of the game, LVDon, and consistency you shall practice.

Step 15: Limit the Amount of Times You Repeat Step 11, While Maintaining the Relationship from Step 12.

"I ain't saying she's a golddigger.. but she ain't looking for no broke n-----..." 

Take the time to find a catch and hang on to her once you do...

In conclusion: 

Kanye, I forgive you. I acknowledge your actions as acting out against some personal turmoil you have been battling, but that doesn't mean the rest of the world will be so kind. The floors of music history are littered with the shattered dreams of rapping stars that have fallen: Lauren Hill (and the Fugees, for that matter), Chingy, Fabulous, Montell Jordan, Eminem (still might have a chance, though), JA-RULE (He should be what you seek to be the EXACT opposite of), Mace/Rev. Mace, Mike Jones, etc. You cannot afford to join them. 

This string of unprotected media one-night-stands you insist on participating in will only leave you worn-out with a hangover and and STI the next day. Hope is not lost for you, and this is why following the "Kanye Rejuvenation Plan" will save your life and career. You must stay out of jail- not everyone is P.Diddy. The Po-pos will happily throw your ass in jail and leave you there if you continue down the path you've been on. You must take time out for yourself (not your blog, your fluctuating crowd of fans, that chick from Victoria's Secret, or Fiddy), and really think about the future. Finding a good woman should be a top priority for you, as without one you act like a white 13-yr old girl from Kansas meeting the Jonas Brothers for the first time. Remember that meeting a good woman is like cooking a good meal: there are no shortcuts (thanks Whit)... And once you find that woman, you may also find the stability that is lacking from your life right now. 

...A good woman, a good family, and a good career... That, Kanye, IS the Good Life.

B

(picture courtesy of AOL music)

VH1's Real Chance of Love: A Season of Classiness

Allow me to start this post off with a quote from my aunt that perfectly reflects the feelings of all thinking women that watch this show: “I think I would be grateful to be sent home because both of them seem rather terrible.” Indeed Auntie Val, indeed.

For those of you who have not seen VH1’s latest “celebreality” dating show, go to your bathroom, look in the mirror, and slap yourself in the face. Where have you been? And why would you deprive yourself of the wretched glory that is the brothers Real and Chance picking through tramp after tramp in the hopes of finding “love”? Well, you are fortunate that I will take pity on you and introduce you to the wonder that is Real and Chance.

So unless you’ve been underground for the past 2 years or have not read a single post of mine ever, you have heard of that fabulous Head Bitch in Charge, New York and her delightful reality show antics. Real and Chance aka the Stallionaires were contestants on I Love New York 1. Chance (pictured on the left), the rowdier of the two brothers, is virtually indescribable, but I will try. Imagine Dj Jazzy Jeff, James Brown, and Sammy Davis Jr. had a baby, and that baby was bi-polar and constantly angry- that might come close to what Chance is like. He wears bedazzled denim, bandanas, leather jackets, and has a slight s-curl, like a jerry curl, but short and not as greasy. His brother, fellow Stallionaire, Real, is almost his complete opposite. Real (pictured on the right) has long, Cher-like hair that is often curled, ringlet style at the ends. It is shiny and a little sassy. It has personality. It’s flirtatious. I feel like it should be the third Stallionaire. Real himself is very smooth, a little more mature and “sophisticated” than Chance, certainly more settled into a normal human identity and not that of a wild pony. He is fond of cowboy gear and wears leather boots and large belt buckles. He is the Frank Sinatra to Chance’s Sammy Davis Jr., but shorter and with an added healthy dose of pimp/thug.

Now on to the show!!

The show takes place in a random mansion in Los Angeles that is decked out as a dude ranch. And what awaits inside? Why 17 freshly plucked hoes, of course! VH1 pulled out all the stop for Real and Chance and scoured the valley for quite possibly the best set of celebreality dating show contestants ever (although Angelique is a tough act to follow).

**Spoiler Alert** Even though the season finale is next week, if you still have episodes to watch or want to catch up online, stop reading at this point because I will reveal the elimination of each contestant.**Spoiler Alert**

SO HOOD: Oh dear. What to say about So Hood. Picture every black female “___ of Love” cast member and splice her with Halle Berry’s crackhead character from Jungle Fever and you might come close to the level of crazy/ghetto/overly sexual that So Hood has reached. She declared herself a Chance girl from the start, giving him a lap dance during the meet and greet in the premiere. Of course her attention seeking whorishness bemused Chance in the beginning, but after chasing him through the house and prancing around in a bikini during a fishing trip, she proved to be even too tacky for Chance.

CORN FED: One of the more sincere girls on the show, Corn Fed is an innocent, googly-eyed girl from South Dakota with a hankerin’ for Real’s dark meat. She won him over right away with her sunshine personality and infectious optimism and has managed to survive through the final eliminations. I have some serious doubts about their long-term relationship capabilities, but I’m sure their kids would be cute.

CALI: Cali plays the role of Asian temptress to a T and dangles her assets in front of Chance like ripe apple. Normally that would work out perfectly for Chance, but he claims to be looking for “wifey” material, which apparently does not include the lingere back massages and hot tub cuddle sessions that Cali has so far offered. Cali claims it’s a deeper connection and says so over and over, maybe to convince herself as well. Chance was convinced enough to let her stay and battle it out with Risky in the finale.

HARMONY: Stank breath girl with a personality to match. Neither brother bit and she was canned the first episode.

ISHA: Bug eyed girl who straddled the line between conventionally ghetto and snoozily ghetto. She also looked like her va jay jay might smell/be yeast filled based on the tight gold short shorts she was sporting. She didn’t make it past the first ep.

KI KI: Unmistakably, irrevocably, undeniably, blamelessly ghetto and confrontational. Real was intrigued with her “personality” at first, but her outbursts and lack of control got her eliminated before she had chance to commit a felony.

KO: Seemed like a normal girl at first. Maybe a little to normal to be on VH1. But her interactions with the other girls in the house showed her true colors and she proved to be an unstable lesbian in waiting. Real was nevertheless fascinated with her and kept her until the final five when she lost out to the stronger relationships he built with Bay Bay Bay, Corn Fed, and Milf.

LUSTY: Anyone who has seen “A Thin Line Between Love and Hate” will understand what I mean when I say Lusty is a real Lynn Whitfield. HELLA UNSTABLE. WOULD PROBABLY COMMIT MURDER FOR/MURDER HER OWN MAN FOR THE FUN OF IT. She gave Real the creepiest back massage/whispering of a lifetime. Naturally, he eliminated her before she had a chance to perform some kind of voodoo on him.

MEATBALL: A Chance girl from the start, she seemed devoted and interesting enough for him, peaking his sexual interest from the beginning. The fire cooled pretty quick though as Chance discovered his spicy meatball was really a boring chicken nugget. She just couldn’t keep up with the other girls and was eliminated midway through the season.

PROMO: Promo is one of those girls you see in a Hooter’s or at Sharkey’s or at one of those trendy nightclubs that have “classy” dancers. Right up Real and Chance’s alley. Promo said she originally came on the show for Real, but when he didn’t pick her in the first round draft, she thought he didn’t want her and clung to Chance instead. The brothers ended up fighting over her much to her satisfaction, but it worked against her in the end since neither brother was willing to choose for her and she didn’t have the brain cells to rub together and make the choice for herself. She was accused of being a flip flopper and kicked to the proverbial curb.

SEXY LEGS: Real was smitten with Sexy Legs from the first episode, but Chance set her up for elimination when he spread a rumor that she came onto him to get back at Real for trying to steal Promo. Real took his brother’s word and canned her. Really, it worked out in her favor. She was approximately 4 feet taller than Real and on a much higher level of “hotness”.

STALKER: Stalker certainly lived up to her name presenting Chance with a tribute clock in the premiere episode. Chance was naturally put off and eliminated her that night but not before she could thoroughly creep everyone out and threaten him with an “I know where you live” confessional.

BUBBLES: Bubbles is a jumble of contractions. She is simultaneously savvy, air-headed, sexual, innocent, ridiculous, and reasonable. Chance was attracted to her “bubbly” personality and her “Latin heat”. Bubbles was attracted to Chance’s impulsiveness. It was working out great until Bubbles revealed she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend. She told Chance she couldn’t fairly date him without feeling guilty and allowed herself to eliminated with dignity. She was also a refreshing breath of fresh air compared to the rest of the catty sluts that comprised the show.

BAY BAY BAY: I never would have guessed that the most interesting thing about Bay Bay Bay was the fact that she was from the San Francisco Bay area, but I’ve struggled to find anything else about her worth noting. She’s catty, bratty, and only slightly less “hood” than Chance’s girls. She’s clung to Real through the finale, insisting that their relationship is more than “just friends”, despite his numerous statements to the contrary. My theory is that Real feels she has a stable enough personality to eventually love but doesn’t have all the cheap sparkle he’s actually looking for. We’ll see where she lands when the chips fall in the finale.

RISKY: I’m not sure how risky received her nickname. It could be an allusion to her “risky” appearance, namely a ghetto booty with stripper clothes and an attitude to match. Risky made her intentions to be one of Chance’s girls known from the beginning and would often try to intimidate the other girls who she deemed fake or competition. She mellowed as her feelings for Chance developed and she felt her position was secure. Despite the near physically violent catfight she had with Milf, Chance kept her through to the finale. When has he ever been known to avoid a confrontation?

MILF: If you don’t know what Milf stands for, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog. Just google it nube. Senior Real Chance of Love contestant Milf has a seven-year-old son and enough baggage to fill Air Force One. Her white trash personality, cartwheeling antics, Sarah Jessica Parker old woman horseface, and Crazy Britney weave somehow managed to seduce both Real and Chance. It was Real who really took a liking to her though and kept her through several rounds of drama-filled eliminations. It was her claim that Risky polished Chance’s knob based on a misinterpretation of Real’s innuendo that did her in. Real couldn’t stand an untrustworthy blabber-mouth so she received the boot.

RABBIT: Named after Jessica Rabbit for her fierce curves and “classy” style, Rabbit was a dominating force amongst the women in the house. At one point she was taking favors from both Real and Chance, despite being originally one of Chance’s girls. Admittedly, she was a contender for the finale in my book, and compared to the other girls, she was the prettiest and most put together- in the way that a shrub is impressive when it’s next to tumbleweed. Her manipulative behavior and over confidence tripped her at the finish line after the date with Real and Chance’s parents. Maybe if she’s lucky she can be a Stallionette in one of their videos.

The Real Chance of Love finale airs Monday, January 12th on VH1 at 9pm PST.

On the Hotness of Jon Hamm After Reading GQ

funnycookie1724: i want to wrap my virginity in tissue paper and mail it to jon

whitneybyoung: LMAO

whitneybyoung: i hate you so much

whitneybyoung: give him a virginity coupon

whitneybyoung: no one else should have it

funnycookie1724: really

whitneybyoung: that's a brilliant plan though

whitneybyoung: cause either way, if he takes it you win, if he doesn't he feels the guilt of making you stay a virgin for life

funnycookie1724: lol

funnycookie1724: LMAO

funnycookie1724: i cant even explain how malfunctioned my soul is righ now

whitneybyoung: it's like i feel like i don't even know what real men are

whitneybyoung: like, there's this whole piece that i've been missing

funnycookie1724: if i smoked, i'd light up a cigarette after that

funnycookie1724: @!!!!

whitneybyoung: cause i've been knee deep in frog my entire life

funnycookie1724: THANK you

funnycookie1724: i feel that this, plus the obamas

funnycookie1724: is too much

funnycookie1724: TOO MUCH

funnycookie1724: and JIM BOUGHT PAM A HOUSE?!?!?!

funnycookie1724: omg

funnycookie1724: i just looked at the cover

funnycookie1724: i just want to run my fingers thru his hair

funnycookie1724: mmmm

funnycookie1724: i definitely have a weakness for johns

funnycookie1724: wouldn't be surprised if i married one

funnycookie1724: altho

funnycookie1724: i would not marry-marry jh if that meant living together

funnycookie1724: i grabbed vanity fair

whitneybyoung: jon/john and james/jim

funnycookie1724: that was the other magazine

funnycookie1724: lmao

whitneybyoung: FAVORITE NAMES

funnycookie1724: LMAO

funnycookie1724: jh

funnycookie1724: jk

funnycookie1724: jm

funnycookie1724: jf

whitneybyoung: because they are man names

funnycookie1724: S.

funnycookie1724: I.

funnycookie1724: G.

funnycookie1724: H.

whitneybyoung: my very first male friend was named james

funnycookie1724: i dont even know where to go from here

whitneybyoung: my crush in h.s. was a jeff though

funnycookie1724: what do i do with my life